In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters. And God heard a cry from Joe. Joe asked, "Jesus Christ! Oh, wait you didn't do that yet. Can I get some fuckin' light down here? I can't see myself masturbate and think I put this Kraft Single eating, white Camero driving, tube top wearing, white trash, cum drenched gutter slut, I bleed like a mother fuckin' high school massacre victim, lipstick on more crooked than a sheisty New Jersey Jew lawyer." And God said, "Let there be light." And Joe pointed to Joan Rivers, and she flicked the switch, and there was light. And Joe said "Well brav-fuckin'-a. I bet you want me to say that was good or some ridiculous biblical praise bullshit like that." And God wondered why he created Joe. And God, then, realized he had not actually made Joe. He had just shown up like a girl in a mini-skirt wearing only one flip flop and smoking the wrong end of cigarette to a DragonCon hotel room party.
Reformed Sex Working Time Lord Takes Lead in Local Burlesque
By John T. Savage
JUNE, RALEIGH -
Joe, one of the last known living Time Lords in the Universe, recently came out of hiding as a branding consulting for the planet Wormulon based Slurm Cola Company, makers of the addictive soft drink Slurm, to fill the role of Frank-n'-Furter for Raleigh North Carolina's weekly presentation of the Rocky Horror Picture Show. I interviewed Joe in the parking lot of Kroger after his first performance as the lead transvestite:
John: Why did you abandon the comfort of your corporate refuge for the entire Time War and the later Temporal Cold War to play a crap part for a two-bit local Rocky Horror cast?
Joe, smiled slyly and raised his hand.
Joe: I enjoy demonstrating the difference between faking glitz and faking glamor. Faking glitz requires one to appear as though he is not from the gutter. While faking glamor, something I certainly could never manage, requires one to appear as though he actually cares about that sort of thing."
John: Why do work so hard to ensure you contribute that special feeling of intense violation to everything you do?
Joe had begun reapplying his lip gloss using the rear view mirror of a closely parked sports utility vehicle. He did not look look away to answer the question.Joe: Well, your modren [He seemed to purposely mispronounce this word] society has scads of rules. I think it is ridiculous to have a hard and fast rule about who and what you should and should not be able to put your penis in. More than half of modern society would not even exist if people hadn't frolicked about putting their penises in things they certainly shouldn't have.
John: I know you are not a religious person. How do you deal with the intense Christian symbolism of the show. Your role is almost a Messianic one. Your character seems to die for everyone's sexual sins.
Joe:I really don't think about it. So much like the age old question of how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie-pop, the world may never know. However I often find myself hoping that Jesus character is a big 'nelly bottom, though; I would like to throw my meat in that hot holy bod. Aside, if he topped it would hurt because he was hung like this.
Joe outstretched his arms as if hung on a cross. He then sat on the hood of his car and began getting out of costume by unstrapping his garter belts.
Joe: But seriously, this whole thing was just an extraordinary misunderstanding on my part. Once again fortune, that harsh mistress and loose trollop, has vomited on my eiderdown. Daedally did I pray this would be the venue perfect for getting squiffy and seducing the likes of those I shan't seduce. I suppose relocation to Europe and indoctrination into the Church of England proper is in order. I hear that church smiles on likes of me, roaring and gorging within wedlock, and indeed rogering seems keenly encouraged. Joe made an displeased gesture with his free hand.
John: Have you gotten anything out of this experience?
Joe: The Mock Turtle went on. We had the best of educations . . . Reeling and Writhing, of course, to begin with, and then the different branches of Arithmetic - Ambition, Distraction, Uglification, and Derision.
John: Did you just quote Alice in Wonderland?
Joe: You should really never feed me after midnight.
John: You get to work with many attractive women. Isn't that an added bonus?
Joe: Due to my complete lack of sexual desire for any fashion of vaginal life support system, women as you know them, I really do not have any preference in the matter at all. Woman can be perfect friends and acquaintances regardless of physical disposition.
John You're gay?
Joe: Are you joking? Isn't that like asking Elton John or Rip Torn if they would step on their own mother's neck for a six foot powered wig that includes a real smoking miniature steam ship and plays God Save the Queen whenever it detect motion.
John: Well, OK. You get to work with many well endowed men. I hear that Todd, the gentleman who plays Rocky, has a rather large penis.
Joe: The size of a male's sexual appendage is of little consequence; men, to me, are much like row boats: all the same when you turn them over.
John: If you couldn't do this, what would you do instead?
Joe: Well, I suppose I could be constructing my very own homemade John T. Savage Real Doll.
John: I doubt you would even enjoy that.
Joe: Damn you! You canceled out my savings throw... I need to look in my big gay bag of holding (gay) to see if there is anything I can use... nothing but lipstick, hair gel, and a collection of fine stones...
John: Would you ever consider playing another part. You probably could.
Joe: There are many activities in which one may engage such as flag burning, Java programming, or using WebSphere: just because you can, doesn't mean you should.
John: Can I ask you a question about a rumor that is circulating about you?
Joe: SORRY I CAN'T HEAR YOU... DICKS... IN... EVERY.. EAR!
John: I will take that as a no. Have you ever met the Doctor?
Joe: People have been asking me if I am really a doctor for over 20 years. Does that count?
John: Thank you, Joe. This has been one of the most difficult interviews I have ever done.
Joe: I think as a tribute to Dadaism, we should continue this interview indefinitely. Can you hold this fork? Show's over Synergy!